It’s funny growing up with a head full of dreams and things you know you’ll do by the time you’re a specific age. When I was in 2nd grade I wanted to be the first basketball playing astronaut.
At age 23 I’m 5’9 and I hate riding airplanes, fuck a spacecraft.
I look at being a kid and having all of these outlandish dreams, that no one my senior would sway me away from, and I begin to wonder, is it their fault for not telling me 99.9% of those dreams would never come to fruition or is it my fault for still not believing?
I begin to wonder, is the bitter bitch working the drive thru window at my local McDonald's bitter because she’s just a bitch or because this ain’t what she wants to do? It’s probably both, but I digress.
It’s cliché, but I think we all need dreams. Otherwise we get caught in these cycles and by the time we snap out of it we realize the mistakes we made by staying so dedicated to that cycle. Hindsight is 20/20 though; let’s see things for what they are.
I’m stuck in this cycle; I do the same things everyday in order to chase my dream.
What is the dream?
To use rap to support my family and tell my story to people. I wanted to be the biggest and most famous when I was a child. When I grew up, it was about family. When my daughter was born in 2008 and I held her in my arms for the first time, it was all about her and her well being. Fuck being famous. They’re calling Jay-Z the devil and Kanye’s being called a nigger because he interrupted some overrated white girl—TRUST ME, I don’t need fame. What I need is the mental security of knowing if I died tomorrow my daughter would be financially stable. I don’t have to be rich, but I have to be comfortable, so I deal with the uncomfortable to become comfortable—for a dream.
I take my money and pay for studio time, logos, photoshoots, etc. You think the average listener is going to give a shit about that? Aesthetically I want things to feel right, because I really do take my time and effort to present something that should be compared to product available right now. I’m competing with your favorite rapper, and I may never be that in your heart but believe me, I am competing. I’m taking the money I make at this shitty job of mine and give it to you for free. All you have to do is download it.
Sometimes I wanna get fly, but those days are few and far between when I truly can. I wanna go to Burn Rubber and cop some shit, but if it ain’t diapers or paying for something for this mixtape, I ain’t been able to do it. It’s a sacrifice.
Believe me, I’m not bitching. In fact, if you take anything from what I just said, understand that I do this because I love it. I love being able to entertain you with my thoughts. I love getting the props that comes with this, and I love being able to have an outlet.
This art form has saved me from some of the darkest points in my life. Having the outlet to put my words together in a way that may be impressive to the listener is fun. When I’m having a shitty day, I can make light of it through metaphors; nothing else can do that for me. I lost my uncle a little over a year ago and something that I always kept close is the fact that he thought I was dope. Understand this, my uncle was a Hip-Hop purist, he had vinyl everywhere and put me up on shit I’d never seen in my life. He knew of rappers I’d never heard of, and I kinda felt like he knew he could live vicariously through me and my younger brother, JFin. Now, every single time I have an opportunity to write, record or perform I feel him watching and listening. That will be until I die.
One of my best friends is in prison and likely won’t be getting out for another six years. Me and him connected through music and built a strong friendship in high school. When I send him a kite the first thing we talk about is Hip-Hop. He’s hearing the same music as I am and it’s what is keeping us connected. He was born in New York, so you can only imagine the debates we had about Jay-Z and Eminem;“Who’s better” “Who will have a longer lasting impact”, etc. I miss my nigga.
I’ve been dreaming about this for a long time.
That’s not to say I’ve attained what I’ve set out for, it’s just to say that, I can see a light at the other end of the tunnel. It’s faint, and shit maybe it’s my eyes playing tricks on me, but fuck it …
I see it.
- KR aka Krack Diesel
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